Dear Ex Best Friend,
I mean this from the bottom of my heart when I say this. Fuck you. Fuck you and everything you put me through. I don’t know what your intentions were when we first became friends, or if everything has just been all in my head. But my experience with you has had my mind made up, you are truly one of the most toxic people I have ever met in my entire life and I’m so grateful I no longer have to see you everyday.
Your words and actions haunt me everyday. From calling me toxic for having basic human emotions other than happiness to constantly invalidating my feelings, my past with you constantly follows me around like a dark cloud. There were so many times I should’ve left you and realized you’re not a good person, but I stayed simply because I thought you were the only person who understood me. When I met you I had gone through so much shit in my old dorm and you had gone through something similar. And that’s what brought us together. But as time went on, your true colors began showing and I truly wish I never met you.
And I think it’s hilarious that when I confronted you about making me late for a class that is super important to me and my major and you had said something that was immature and childish (which it was) you had the nerve to say “I am the furthest thing from childish so PLEASE check yourself!” Hate to break it to you baby girl, but you have SO much growing up to do. Especially given the fact that you had the nerve to text me “my classes are important too, what make yours so superior? the world doesn’t revolve around you. You don’t even know what you want to do after college so it can’t be that important”. Like literally fuck you for that. You might as well have just told me to drop out of college. So you’re basically saying that because I don’t have a CRYSTAL CLEAR idea of what I want to do after school because I have so many ideas that I can just be late to a class that’s extremely hard and possibly fail? Yeah ok, but you’re the ‘furthest thing from childish’ so what the fuck do I know, right? Even though during strike for the musical you barely helped at all because “you didn’t wanna get dirty” and spent half the time riding around on a scooter. Yeah, seems like the furthest thing from childish to me. So many people were disgusted and angry at you for that, and frankly, I don’t blame them. But of course if any one confronted you they’d be overdramatic, right?
Not only that, but when I wanted to talk to you about it, you said “I don’t need this right now, my toxic ex used to do the same thing. I’m not doing this”. FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUU! You LITERALLY compared me to your toxic ass boyfriend, what the FUCK is wrong with you. Which is bad enough except for the fact that he abused me too! He fucking USED me before he started dating you! He KNEW everything I had gone through yet still continued to fuck with my feelings! And I don’t know how the FUCK he could possibly date you and look me in the eyes everyday when he knows damn well what we did and had the audacity to lie to you about us.
We can both agree that he’s a fucking asshole who deserves to burn in hell, but that doesn’t excuse all the shit he put me through and the amount of times you defended him. The amount of times you chose him over me! You always said you loved us both equally but you never did anything to show it. You always defended him for everything he’s ever said and done to me, even when he told me that “I deserved being raped”. And your response “I’m not sure I believe he said that, you said some stuff too!” What the actual FUCK, is wrong with you? Who the fuck says that?! And I think it’s hilarious that you’ve considered switching your major to become a therapist, you don’t care about people the way you think you do. You constantly defend toxic behavior, invalidate people’s feelings, and think things can just be swept under the rug with “positive thinking and good vibes”.
You can take your good vibes and shove them up your ass because every time I’m with you, there’s nothing but anger and heavy tension in the air. Even on my opening night of the musical, you couldn’t even let me and my co-star be happy because you thought “we stole your bow choreography” mean while you stole one of our scene bits no problem. You stole my aunt’s dress, you stole half my costume pieces, no problem. Guess it’s only ok when you do it, right? Cause this is your world and we’re all just side characters? I could barely enjoy seeing my friends and family after the show because I heard you bitching to your boyfriend and parents about how we “stole your bow and how you were pissed af”. ITS A BOW. ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. But I’m the dramatic one right? So many people came up to congratulate me on a great performance, but I couldn’t even hear them and appreciate them because all I heard was your whiny ass in the background. So many people texted me after the show asking if I was ok because I “seemed off” and when I told them about it they were beyond disgusted. You couldn’t even let me enjoy my opening night. You just had to make it all about you.
You never take responsibility for your actions, you’ve manipulated and gaslit me and those I love beyond belief, and overall just wasted 2 years of my college experience. You constantly called me over dramatic for confronting you about things you or your bf did that hurt me and were so quick to turn it around on me. You would constantly stab me in the back and pretend to be one who’s bleeding. And in the end, I apologized. Well not anymore, I don’t give a shit. It’s senior year and life’s too short to continue wasting my energy on you. I found a friend group who loves and supported me more in one semester than you did over the last two years. They were there for me when I needed them, unlike you who just told me to think positive or ran away to go play with your brand new best friend or boyfriend because you didn’t wanna deal with my sadness. Tell me, how the fuck did you ever think you’d be a therapist when all you do is run from the truth and lie to everyone. You lie to hide the fact that you're a childish, stuck up, narcissistic, backstabbing, lying, manipulative bitch. If people knew you the way I do, they’d reconsider talking to you at all. But a lot of our friends have already seen your true colors simply because of the way you treat me in front of them. Guess that tells us who’s side they’re on.
You broke me. You shattered me into a million pieces. You made me question you, myself and everyone around me. I didn’t know who to believe in any situation and made me question my own memory and sanity several times. I was so happy and confident when I first came to college. Now, I’m just a broken shell of what I was. You and your boyfriend really did a number on me and my mind. You hurt me in ways I can’t explain. And it sucks because now I have to repair the damage. I know I’ll never be the same again, but I know damn well I will stop at nothing to make sure that I will never be the person you are. From words, to scents, to TV shows, even podcasts. I want nothing to do with you. I’m even debating getting rid of some of my candles and perfumes because so many of them are tied to a memory that revolves around you. But if that’s what I need to do to undo the chains you have on me, then so be it.
I’m just so relieved I’m going to be able to come home to a safe dorm next year and not have to worry about a boy sleeping a few feet away from me every night. You knew all the trauma I went through but you didn’t give a fuck. You thought I was being over dramatic for being uncomfortable with a boy sleeping in the same room as me when you know damn well the shit I’ve been through in the past. Like sorry you can’t go 20 seconds without being up your boyfriend’s ass. I’m beyond thrilled I don’t have to deal with your shit anymore. Now your new bestie can deal with your drama and narcissism, your never taking out the trash, your inconsideration of others when people are trying to sleep. The list goes on and on. And I think it’s hilarious how you used to talk so much shit about your new bestie before y’all started hanging out. Even now you continue to talk shit about her to me because of who she’s dating. I just can’t wait for you to finally be in my shoes. Do you really think she’s not gonna have him over every night? That she and him aren’t going to be sleeping a few feet away from you? All I’m gonna say is don’t come knocking on my door, crying because he’s over all the time and she doesn’t care and calls you over dramatic. Because that’s exactly what you did to me.
So, with that. I can’t wait to see how our senior years play out. I’m super excited for mine, mostly because you won’t be in it. And I’m sure you feel the same.
Not Yours Truly,
~ Lapis Lazuli
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