The History of Wrong Guys

 

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! I know Valentine’s Day has definitely lost it’s sparkle over the years. At least for me. Either you love Valentine’s Day or you think it’s stupid and absolutely hate it. I’m not exactly a huge fan of the holiday which is sad because when I was younger it was one of my favorite holidays. Granted it was more widely celebrated when I was younger. Everything was pink and red, I could eat chocolates without worrying about my weight, I got to make cute little valentines for all my friends! It was so much fun! Then middle school came around and those traditions came to an end. Even at such a young age, everyone around me either had a crush or a special someone. Everyone except me. To make myself feel better, I told my friends I DID have a boyfriend but he just went to a different school. To my knowledge, I did a pretty good job because they believed me. When I reached 8th grade, I had my first real crush and I was so excited. That is, until that crush was crushed because my “friend” decided to tell him even though I begged her not to. She said she was doing me a favor and then got mad at me for being upset. Since then, my crush avoided me at all costs and I soon found out he had feelings for another girl.

Going into high school, I never really had feelings for anyone, except this one guy outside of school. We were compatible on every level and I was so sure he would be my first-ever boyfriend! I was a junior in high school so I was so excited to have a guy like me back (finally!). Only, my friend liked him too. When I told her I liked him first, she promised to back off. However, her idea of “backing off” was telling all our friends how she felt about him so they’d be on her side and help her. In the end, she decided to ask him out before I got the chance, and when I confronted her about it, she didn’t even hear me out. She said things like “you never made a move” (false) and “it’s not my fault he has zero feelings for you whatsoever” (again, false). The way I found out what she did was disgusting. I pulled the guy aside and decided to tell him how I feel. He told me he thought I was an amazing girl, but my friend had already asked him to be her boyfriend. I felt so betrayed. Not only had a lost my crush, but I lost a friend and a majority of our friend group. Since then, I built walls high around my heart and kept it safe. I had heard they broke up and I wanted to ask him to our school’s prom to maybe try again and have the moment with him that I should’ve had. I asked his sister if I could take him to prom and she said yes. I was so excited and immediately bought a poster paper and wrote a prom-posel with lots of Les Mis references (that was his favorite musical). However, when me and my friend were going to go to his house, his sister texted me saying they were busy the day of our prom. She then asked if I wanted to talk to “him” and I said no. I had a feeling their was something else going on and eventually just took my girl friend. And honestly, I had such a great time!

I’m now a senior and have yet to have a boyfriend. I’m 22 and have pretty much been single my entire life. In college, boys either wanted to date my friend (even if I liked them and she knew that and dated them anyway) or just wanted to use me for my body. There is this one guy but I truly don’t think it’s going to go anywhere. I’ve tried to invite him to do things but he’s always come up with a reason not to go. Yet he still snaps me every day. We’ve been doing this since freshman year. We’re seniors now. I don’t think anything is going to happen. I’ve even tried dating apps like Hinge or Bumble but just haven’t connected with any of the guys I met up with. However, in my senior year, I think I’ve finally learned to love and forgive the person I should’ve a long time ago; myself. If you haven’t read my last two posts, I recently got out of a toxic friendship. She taught me how to hate myself and feel bad about myself and to just repress my feelings all the time. I will never let anyone treat me that way again.

This past semester has been one of the best semesters I’ve had since being here! I’ve learned to love myself and begun opening up to those around me! I’m becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be and living the life I never led. This is your reminder that even if your single this Valentine’s Day, there’s so many other forms of love. Platonic love, self love, etc. I’m so happy to be spending this Valentine’s Day with my friends and making chocolate-covered strawberries. And I made it through college without anyone holding my hand. You are so loved more than you know, you don’t need a romantic partner to feel whole. Never forget that <3

Thanks for reading xoxo

What I Learned from Playing Audrey in 'Little Shop of Horrors'

 

Hi guys! So if you don’t know, I had to chance to play Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors! Exciting right! And if you don’t know, like Audrey, I also got out of a really toxic relationship. No, not toxic. Abusive. Granted mine wasn’t PHYSICALLY abusive or by my boyfriend, it was actually someone I considered my “best friend” who mentally and emotionally abused me to the point where I began to hate myself towards the end of the semester. Deep down I knew she was the problem and knew she was bad for me, but given that we also lived together, I didn’t want things to be awkward between us while we continued to live together. So I just did whatever she said, took the blame and apologized for things I shouldn’t have, and basically acted like her stress ball. She had also been in an extremely abusive relationship with a boy, and even when she was dating him she always made excuses for his bad behavior. He’d even mentally abuse me and she’d make excuses for him. But when I try to set boundaries or stand up for myself because I’m uncomfortable, suddenly I’m the bad guy and she tells me that he has every right to get angry with me and say awful, nasty things to me.

While I was performing the show, I really thought I couldn’t relate to Audrey given that I’ve really never had a boyfriend, and certainly not an abusive one. However, I realized I can relate to her a lot more than I thought, just in a different way. Just because abuse isn’t physical or from your semi-sadist boyfriend, it doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. So here’s a few things I’ve come to realize and things I learned from playing our favorite little Skid Row blonde.

THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS

1. You're Never Alone

One of the lines I remember being really sentimental with was “he’s the only fella I’ve got” in which she’s referring to her abusive boyfriend, Orin Scrivello DDS, and trying to come up with reasons why she can’t leave him. Things like “he’s a rebel”, “he makes good money”, “he’s a professional”, etc. Audrey knows Orin isn’t good for her but feels she can’t leave him because he’s the only guy she’s got and the only one who will put up with her. Even with the Skid Row girls, Audrey expresses that Orin would get angry and hurt her even more if she left him. The reason this sticks out so much to me is because I said something almost identical about my “friend”. Someone once asked me why I hang out with her all the time and I said “…she’s the only friend I have”. Which wasn’t far from the truth back then. But like Audrey, I found an amazing group of supportive friends who had my back, understood my trauma, respected my boundaries and I wasn’t afraid to be my true self. Granted I have a bit of trust issues, but after being in a toxic relationship for so long, that’s pretty normal. Of course I’m going to need some time to heal, but at least I’m away from my toxic friend. And I think it’s safe to say that I have more friends than I did before. 

2. Don't Settle for Less Than You Deserve

Like I said before, the reason I was with this friend for so long is because I thought she’s the only friend I had. The only one who liked me, understood me and tolerated me. I even distanced myself from my other friends because I thought she was better for me. But now her true colors are shining through and I see she couldn’t give less of a fuck about me. There would be days when she would spend the night else where and I would get the apartment to myself for a bit. And I’m not joking when I say I felt better alone than with her. Whenever she was around, I always felt like I was walking on egg shells. Even if we were in opposite rooms or not even talking, there was always tension. So I’d rather be alone than settle for her.

3. What Goes Around Comes Around

You know the old saying, “karma’s a bitch”. Well, I fully believe that’s true. In the musical, Audrey’s toxic boyfriend isn’t murdered at the hands of Seymour; he’s killed through his own sadistic actions by inhaling too much nitrous oxide. Sure Seymour could’ve done something to help Orin, but chose not to for Audrey’s sake. With Orin gone, Audrey wouldn’t have to worry about being hurt and abused and was finally free to be happy. Yet even after he disappeared, she believed it was her fault because she secretly wished that something bad would happen to him. However, toxic people always get what they deserve at some point. My “friend” recently became friends with this girl on campus who is just as toxic as she is. Her new friend is already putting her through things that she put me through. What can I say. Karma’s a bitch. 

4. Don't Be Afraid to Stand Up for Yourself

Unfortunately, Audrey never gets her happily ever after because she too falls victim to the Audrey 2 plant and is eaten. How does this happen? She’s too nice and naive. Audrey 2 manages to get a hold of Audrey simply by asking her for some water and Audrey (unfortunately) is nice enough to give it to him. Despite her being shocked by the fact that the plant can talk and she’s CLEARLY uncomfortable, she does it anyway. Something she also did with Orin a lot as well. He would constantly threaten her and she would do/say anything to avoid getting hurt. This is something I did a lot in my toxic friendship. Obviously I wasn’t eaten by a giant man eating plant from space, but my friend put me in so many uncomfortable situations but I went along with it any way because I didn’t want to argue with her. I knew if I said no or actually expressed my feelings, she would invalidate them and spin it around on me. People have taken advantage of my niceness and nativity pretty much all my life. And it always ends the same. Once I stand up for myself, suddenly I’m the bad guy. So obviously, if someone only wants to be your friend because of what they can get from you, they’re not a good friend.

5. Don't Feed the Plants!

Jk. But basically, don’t feed into toxic behavior. Don’t reward someone’s shitty actions by doing what they ask of you. This will start to show the person that they can bend and twist you however they want and you won’t care. They’ll be able to walk all over you and take advantage of you as many times as they please and you won’t care. This happened way too many times in my toxic friendship and I should’ve called her out along time ago. But because I didn’t and she knew I was desperate for friends, she saw a way to shape me into her little toy who she can beat and break a million times. Only I’m the one putting myself back together.

CONCLUSION 

 I loved playing Audrey with my whole heart, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life and taught me so much. Unlike Audrey, I fully believe that this school year, I’m going to get my happily ever after. I found a new group of supportive friends and roommates, I don’t have to be afraid of expressing myself, I can wear whatever I want and just be myself again. Of course I have a lot of soul searching to do because a huge part of me died over the past two years, but I’ll find her again. And I know my new friends will be there for me every step of the way. And I know now to call out people on their BS early rather than being too nice and letting it go, so I don’t fall victim to another Audrey 2.

Thank you so much for reading! xoxo

A Letter to my Ex-Best Friend

Dear Ex Best Friend,

I mean this from the bottom of my heart when I say this. Fuck you. Fuck you and everything you put me through. I don’t know what your intentions were when we first became friends, or if everything has just been all in my head. But my experience with you has had my mind made up, you are truly one of the most toxic people I have ever met in my entire life and I’m so grateful I no longer have to see you everyday.

Your words and actions haunt me everyday. From calling me toxic for having basic human emotions other than happiness to constantly invalidating my feelings, my past with you constantly follows me around like a dark cloud. There were so many times I should’ve left you and realized you’re not a good person, but I stayed simply because I thought you were the only person who understood me. When I met you I had gone through so much shit in my old dorm and you had gone through something similar. And that’s what brought us together. But as time went on, your true colors began showing and I truly wish I never met you.

And I think it’s hilarious that when I confronted you about making me late for a class that is super important to me and my major and you had said something that was immature and childish (which it was) you had the nerve to say “I am the furthest thing from childish so PLEASE check yourself!” Hate to break it to you baby girl, but you have SO much growing up to do. Especially given the fact that you had the nerve to text me “my classes are important too, what make yours so superior? the world doesn’t revolve around you. You don’t even know what you want to do after college so it can’t be that important”. Like literally fuck you for that. You might as well have just told me to drop out of college. So you’re basically saying that because I don’t have a CRYSTAL CLEAR idea of what I want to do after school because I have so many ideas that I can just be late to a class that’s extremely hard and possibly fail? Yeah ok, but you’re the ‘furthest thing from childish’ so what the fuck do I know, right? Even though during strike for the musical you barely helped at all because “you didn’t wanna get dirty” and spent half the time riding around on a scooter. Yeah, seems like the furthest thing from childish to me. So many people were disgusted and angry at you for that, and frankly, I don’t blame them. But of course if any one confronted you they’d be overdramatic, right?

Not only that, but when I wanted to talk to you about it, you said “I don’t need this right now, my toxic ex used to do the same thing. I’m not doing this”. FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUU! You LITERALLY compared me to your toxic ass boyfriend, what the FUCK is wrong with you. Which is bad enough except for the fact that he abused me too! He fucking USED me before he started dating you! He KNEW everything I had gone through yet still continued to fuck with my feelings! And I don’t know how the FUCK he could possibly date you and look me in the eyes everyday when he knows damn well what we did and had the audacity to lie to you about us.

We can both agree that he’s a fucking asshole who deserves to burn in hell, but that doesn’t excuse all the shit he put me through and the amount of times you defended him. The amount of times you chose him over me! You always said you loved us both equally but you never did anything to show it. You always defended him for everything he’s ever said and done to me, even when he told me that “I deserved being raped”. And your response “I’m not sure I believe he said that, you said some stuff too!” What the actual FUCK, is wrong with you? Who the fuck says that?! And I think it’s hilarious that you’ve considered switching your major to become a therapist, you don’t care about people the way you think you do. You constantly defend toxic behavior, invalidate people’s feelings, and think things can just be swept under the rug with “positive thinking and good vibes”.

You can take your good vibes and shove them up your ass because every time I’m with you, there’s nothing but anger and heavy tension in the air. Even on my opening night of the musical, you couldn’t even let me and my co-star be happy because you thought “we stole your bow choreography” mean while you stole one of our scene bits no problem. You stole my aunt’s dress, you stole half my costume pieces, no problem. Guess it’s only ok when you do it, right? Cause this is your world and we’re all just side characters? I could barely enjoy seeing my friends and family after the show because I heard you bitching to your boyfriend and parents about how we “stole your bow and how you were pissed af”. ITS A BOW. ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. But I’m the dramatic one right? So many people came up to congratulate me on a great performance, but I couldn’t even hear them and appreciate them because all I heard was your whiny ass in the background. So many people texted me after the show asking if I was ok because I “seemed off” and when I told them about it they were beyond disgusted. You couldn’t even let me enjoy my opening night. You just had to make it all about you.

You never take responsibility for your actions, you’ve manipulated and gaslit me and those I love beyond belief, and overall just wasted 2 years of my college experience. You constantly called me over dramatic for confronting you about things you or your bf did that hurt me and were so quick to turn it around on me. You would constantly stab me in the back and pretend to be one who’s bleeding. And in the end, I apologized. Well not anymore, I don’t give a shit. It’s senior year and life’s too short to continue wasting my energy on you. I found a friend group who loves and supported me more in one semester than you did over the last two years. They were there for me when I needed them, unlike you who just told me to think positive or ran away to go play with your brand new best friend or boyfriend because you didn’t wanna deal with my sadness. Tell me, how the fuck did you ever think you’d be a therapist when all you do is run from the truth and lie to everyone. You lie to hide the fact that you're a childish, stuck up, narcissistic, backstabbing, lying, manipulative bitch. If people knew you the way I do, they’d reconsider talking to you at all. But a lot of our friends have already seen your true colors simply because of the way you treat me in front of them. Guess that tells us who’s side they’re on.

You broke me. You shattered me into a million pieces. You made me question you, myself and everyone around me. I didn’t know who to believe in any situation and made me question my own memory and sanity several times. I was so happy and confident when I first came to college. Now, I’m just a broken shell of what I was. You and your boyfriend really did a number on me and my mind. You hurt me in ways I can’t explain. And it sucks because now I have to repair the damage. I know I’ll never be the same again, but I know damn well I will stop at nothing to make sure that I will never be the person you are. From words, to scents, to TV shows, even podcasts. I want nothing to do with you. I’m even debating getting rid of some of my candles and perfumes because so many of them are tied to a memory that revolves around you. But if that’s what I need to do to undo the chains you have on me, then so be it.

I’m just so relieved I’m going to be able to come home to a safe dorm next year and not have to worry about a boy sleeping a few feet away from me every night. You knew all the trauma I went through but you didn’t give a fuck. You thought I was being over dramatic for being uncomfortable with a boy sleeping in the same room as me when you know damn well the shit I’ve been through in the past. Like sorry you can’t go 20 seconds without being up your boyfriend’s ass. I’m beyond thrilled I don’t have to deal with your shit anymore. Now your new bestie can deal with your drama and narcissism, your never taking out the trash, your inconsideration of others when people are trying to sleep. The list goes on and on. And I think it’s hilarious how you used to talk so much shit about your new bestie before y’all started hanging out. Even now you continue to talk shit about her to me because of who she’s dating. I just can’t wait for you to finally be in my shoes. Do you really think she’s not gonna have him over every night? That she and him aren’t going to be sleeping a few feet away from you? All I’m gonna say is don’t come knocking on my door, crying because he’s over all the time and she doesn’t care and calls you over dramatic. Because that’s exactly what you did to me.

So, with that. I can’t wait to see how our senior years play out. I’m super excited for mine, mostly because you won’t be in it. And I’m sure you feel the same.

Not Yours Truly,

~ Lapis Lazuli

Starting my Weight Loss Journey

Hi guys! Never thought I’d be making a post like this but I think it’s finally time I start taking fitness and healthy eating seriously. I’ve always thought I was super blessed with a fast metabolism and thought I could just eat whatever I pleased without any consequences. However, that’s not the case anymore. I stepped on the scale yesterday morning and I was absolutely mortified with the number I saw. I always felt like I’ve been getting a little chubby but it wasn’t until I saw the number on the scale that I realized how bad it actually was. It was then I was so determined to finally shed the weight I’ve been putting off or sucking in.

I spent all day yesterday tracking my calories, eating as carefully as I could and exercising as soon as I got home, but apparently that wasn’t enough considering when I stepped on the scale again this morning, I had gone UP .4 pounds! Granted that Starbucks tomato mozzarella panini and venti strawberry refresher probably didn’t do me any good, the rest of the day I was pretty good! I had oatmeal with chia seeds and freeze dried strawberries, a banana, a veggie and bean burrito and a small glass of wine! Not to mention I took my puppy for a 30 min walk and did a 10 min workout before bed! So I don’t know where I went wrong!

Today for breakfast I had oatmeal with chia seeds again and a small cup of tea instead of my giant cup. For lunch I packed a salad with avocado and fake chicken (I’m pescatarian, though I may take some of the fake chicken out to save a few extra calories), a watermelon Celsius, a green apple and for dinner we’re having “chicken” scallopini and green beans. I just realized that’s a lot of fake chicken I would be putting in my body so it might be best after all to take some out of my salad. But anyway! I plan to go on another walk later and possibly do another workout. It’s just hard considering I basically work a 9 to 5 job that’s 40 min away. So it’s hard to workout before work and by the time I get home it’s already like 8 pm and I’m exhausted and ready to go to bed.

But I’m not giving up! I’ll be posting my progress and meals on my instagram (@thelapispages) so if you want to come along with my on my journey go give it a follow!

Thank you so much for reading and let’s get motivated! xoxo

Cloudy Days

 

Do you ever have days or even weeks where you're just...off? Kinda like there's a black cloud following you everywhere you go? Yeah, that's been me all week. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, I have a slight idea but it shouldn't be affecting me this much. Or maybe it's normal? I don't know exactly. Let's just say this Saturday, I made a not so smart decision and it definitely had some psychological affects on me. The next day I was much better but still not 100% there. Monday it just seemed to be all in my head because I didn't feel off unless I thought about what had happened. Now I can pretty much say I'm back to normal. Physically at least, but I can't say the same for my mental health. 

At night as I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep, I keep thinking about traumatizing events from my past and thinking about how maybe I could've stopped it. I know everything is in the past. Whether it be my toxic friend, toxic people from my past or other traumatizing events, they're in the past. So why are they all suddenly sneaking up on me now? 

Even yesterday I was so annoyed and frustrated at literally EVERYTHING! First off I woke up like I was in a dream. And I was at work and my boss would tell me to do something and I'd get annoyed. I didn't yell or anything, I did what she requested but I wasn't happy about it. God forbid I do work at my job. And on the way home, there was traffic. There's always traffic but not traffic like this. This made me so pissed off and I wanted to scream or punch something. I would slam my hands against the steering wheel every time we stopped in absolutely anger and frustration. It took me nearly an hour to get home. I was absolutely livid. 

When I got home, I did my best to relax. I watched a mind-bending movie, took a bath, took my dog for a walk. And finally I went to sleep at a pretty decent time. Not decent enough to wake up at 7 am but at least I didn't go to bed at 2 am like I sometimes do. This morning I woke up (still half asleep feeling like I was in a dream), ate breakfast, drank my tea, pet my cat and left for work. It was also raining VERY hard this morning so that definitely brought the mood down a bit. Not to mention it took me nearly an hour to get to work. But here's the funny thing. I didn't bug out nearly as much as I did yesterday. I was very calm and chill. While yesterday I was sweating, ready to cry/scream and hitting my steering wheel. I don't know if it's because I had just done a full day of work yesterday? But even at work I was pissed at literally everything and everyone. 

I also used a patch I got at Target to help with soothing and calming, but I never exactly believed these things work. But I stuck one on my this morning cause I was desperate. But I'm actually really calm. No this is not a sponsored post, I don't even know if these actually work, if it's psychological or if I'm just having a better day. But I do feel a lot better. 

I honestly just hope once this week ends I'll be back to normal. I can't explain it but I just want the week to be done with. On the bright side I don't have work tomorrow! And I'm gonna get Starbucks on the way home to treat myself! I'm definitely getting a strawberry açaí refresher, but I can't decide if I want to get an impossible breakfast sandwich or a tomato mozzarella panini! Or maybe I'll just get a brownie. I'm also hanging out with my friend later and lord knows where we're gonna eat or if we'll eat at all (sometime's we don't eat dinner and I end up ending a microwave dinner at home at 12 in the morning). 

But anyway, I'm starting to ramble now so I'm gonna end this post here! Thanks for reading! Love you! <3

Question of the Day: what's your go-to Starbucks order when you're having a rough day? 

My Struggle with Trichotillomania

 

Hi guys! So, I wanted to come on here to ask for advice. Long story short, I struggle with trichotillomania. If you're unaware what that is, it's a hair pulling disorder. Basically, back in March of 2020, I started pulling out my eyebrows. I don't know how it started or why, but before I knew it, half my eyebrows were gone. It used to only be one, but I soon switched over to the other, and next thing I knew both my eye brows were gone. Obviously I can just fill them in with make up but I wish I didn't have to worry about that and not feel self conscious whenever I leave the house without make up. I've tried things like putting oil on my eyebrows, stroking paintbrugrowth serums, even putting on long fake nails. While the fake nails do work for a while, as soon as they start falling off, I'm right back to pulling. Even if I'm not pulling I'm touching or stroking them. It's like an itch that always needs to be scratched. 

I used to enjoy the pain (I know, weird) but now it just hurts. But I've created such a bad habit for myself that I don't know how to break.

Anyone have any advice? xoxo

Books!

 

Hi loves! So, last week, I caught the COVID and had to remain in isolation for the week. I was absolutely bored out of my mind. But you know what really kept me occupied and feeling good? Taking my water bottle outside on a nice sunny day and reading a good book! I've never been much of a reader but that's only cause I haven't found a book I really love in a while. Like I said before, Zoe Sugg's Girl Online really helped inspire me to write this blog, and I recently finished the second book in the series! I'm now on Girl Online: Going Solo which is the last book of the series (boo!). But I'm already half way through the book! I don't like it as much as the other two, but it's still enjoyable! And perhaps it'll grow on me as I read it more! 

But something I noticed when I'm reading is...I get inspired. I'm happy and calm! I don't get sucked into past, toxic situations. Especially at work since I have a lot of down time and time to think (very dangerous). Even just dialing the phone, I always find myself thinking about the same event that occurred in the past! DIALING THE PHONE! But I always bring my book to work, and when I'm reading. I'm content and zen. 

It also inspires me to do a lot of creative things! Like I've mentioned a bunch of times, Girl Online inspired me to start this blog. The main character Penny has inspired me to want to take more aesthetic pictures and perhaps even share them on this blog (none of my face since I wish to remain anonymous). Even Leah Brown has inspired me to start writing songs again!

Song writing has also helped distract me from my intrusive thoughts! I've started writing lyrics about the situation and putting them to music. Almost like a break up album. Honestly, I thought writing about the situation constantly would only bring me more harm since I was constantly thinking of it and reminding myself about what happened. But putting my feelings to music really helps me come to terms with my feelings and make peace!

Let me know what some of your distractions are! xoxo